(Source: antoinette489)

herdirtylittleheart:

There’s this line in the movie ‘The Departed’ about how children of alcoholics lie to keep the peace. We’re always afraid to rock the boat. We’re used to walking on egg shells.

I remember whenever my Father was away for a few days it felt like the whole house could breathe. We laughed more. I wasn’t dragging my feet on the way home from school, trying to stay away as long as I could.

My husband has said, in his sarcastic way, “Unlike most alcoholic fathers yours did you the favor of sticking around.” Instead of having issues with abandonment, questions about who this man was, I know all too well. I got to watch how his addiction hurt us, and hurt himself. I also had the chance to really understand that it’s not so cut and dry. He’s one of the greatest men on the planet. He really is. He’s a loyal friend, a hard worker, champion of the underdog, clever and resourceful. He’s talented, though don’t ever tell him I said so. It was always so painful to see who he was out in the world, to know that he was truly good and kind, and then to see who he became when he was drinking, and how he hurt those of us who were closest to him.

If he had left I’d have trust issues. I’d be afraid of being ditched. Instead I have the opposite. I put up with too much. I endure for too long. I try to keep the boat sailing smoothly against all fucking odds. I somehow live under this twisted idea that if I just say the right thing, make the right choices, love hard enough, if I’m good, then I can fix things. I have hope even when hope is ridiculous. I see the good in people even when the bad is very scary. My need for control comes from watching him have none.

I’m not mad at him for giving me these traits. They make me good at my job. They make me a good friend. They have made me strong and determined long past the point where most would give up. I have reaped rewards for what can only be described as my stubborn endurance.

My husband has been going through a difficult personal time. He is working on his own issues, he has been depressed, he hasn’t been himself. People are entitled to this, processes like this are how we grow and develop and move on, but it has been very difficult to be here, sailing the ship through turbulent waters, trying to keep the peace.

I am lucky to have a partner who is committed to working on his short-comings, someone who wants better for himself and his family. I’ve watched my Father make the same mistakes my whole life, happy enough to never learn the lesson. He’s getting worse instead of getting better. My husband isn’t the type to just settle, and neither am I. I am grateful for this. We strive to achieve all of the things we know in our hearts we deserve. Getting there is tough sometimes though.

I’m tired of picking up the phone and getting bad news. I’m exhausted by the pain some of my friends and family have been in lately. Hardships, and heartbreak and a diagnosis with no silver lining. Tough lessons, and tough times and choices you have no choice but to live with. It hurts and I’m feeling down, but I know how to navigate these shit storms. I’ve lived through so many.

So thanks, Dad. For teaching me how to love people while they wrestle their demons. For making me an artist when it comes to keeping the peace. For forcing me to learn that no matter how choppy the waters are I won’t go under. For teaching me how to endure.

(Source: cher-la-vie)

crystyls:

Pahahahaha!